But he said to me,
“My grace is sufficient for you,
for my power is made perfect in weakness.”
Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses,
so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake,
I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in
persecutions, in difficulties.
For when I am weak, then I am strong.
2 Corinthians 12:9-11
Ughhh.
My face still burns when I think about it. Those stunned faces as I lurched
toward them with a full tray of sparkling beverages in fancy glasses. The chaos
that ensued after I hit the floor and said beverages splattered and drenched
formal clothes and carefully styled hair. Ughh. Just, ughhh.
I
was an RA in college, there was a formal opening of a new building on campus, lots
of important guests, and the student leaders were serving. Whoever decided it
was a good idea to put me in formal shoes and hand me a tray of liquid in
fragile containers really should have spoken with my mother. She would have
told them it wasn’t a good idea. But there I was, eager to do well in my
leadership role and telling myself, “You’ve got this.” And then that wretched
half-step. You know the one that catches you off guard and sends you stumbling.
For
a moment or two after I scrambled to my feet, I stood totally frozen in place,
unable to move, just watching the scene unfold in front of me like an
out-of-body experience. People were rushing around, grabbing napkins, moving
people out of the way of broken glass, probably toweling off (just saying some
folks got wet)…
I
totally could have stayed cool. I could’ve apologized profusely, made a little
self-deprecating joke, helped clean up, and served some new drinks. I could
have done that. Or… I could have done what I actually did.
I
turned around and ran out of the room. Through the hallways, out of the building
and fully across campus to my dorm where I could sneak quietly into my room and
be alone with my shame and berate myself in peace.
This
would have been a fine plan, if three of my girls were not sitting in the
lounge when I rushed in. They saw my wet clothes and stricken face and rushed
to me. “What’s wrong??? What
happened?? Are you okay??”
And
I burst into tears. Me, the older, mature leader, appointed to mentor and guide
these young women. In tears. And not delicate tears slipping gently down my
cheeks. No. Huge, snotty, gasping, sobbing, ugly-cry tears. Accompanied by
angry embarrassment. I distinctly remember saying, “I’m SUCH a clumsy idiot!! Why
did I even think I could do it?!”
What’s
worse than spilling a tray of drinks on couples in fancy clothes? Bawling like
a baby about it and being held and consoled by kids, KIDS, who were supposed to
respect me and look up to me and believe I had it all together!! I eventually collected
myself, apologized, and slipped to the shower to clean up and cry some more. I
was pretty sure I had totally blown the entire year – and it was only the first
week…
But
somehow, to my utter amazement and astonishment, the year wasn’t “blown” at
all. Somehow, seeing me at a moment of total weakness humanized me to these
young women. They had seen their leader humiliated and awkward and sad. And in
ways I cannot fully comprehend, this opened the way for trust and relationship
that would have taken much longer to build if I’d just had it all together. This
very humbling experience actually paved the way for much deeper, authentic, and
often raw communication in our dorm.
It’s
another paradox. With God, we live and we lead most effectively from our places
of weakness. This is so upside-down from the culture that we live in, and we
resist it all the time. We hold on tight to what we can control. We guard our
hearts and build walls to prevent others from seeing our imperfections. We
spend an enormous amount of energy managing the image we present to the world. And
in so doing, we move further and further from the place of vulnerability and
openness where God can shape us and use us.
The
reason it is true, that “when I am weak, then I am strong,” is because we give God
space to work when we acknowledge that we are not in control. When we are weak
and just can’t get it together on our own and everyone around us knows it… we
are in the perfect position to allow God to move through us in ways we could
NEVER do in our own strength.
May
we unburden ourselves from the pressure to have it all together. May we release
the need to project and maintain our image. May we be willing to be exposed in
our weakness, in order to experience God’s grace and strength in new and
unexpected ways.
Arlene
M.
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