Try A Little Tenderness

“Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others.” Colossians 3:12-13 (NLT)

We’re pretty good at compassion, aren't we? We care about people who are suffering. We pray for those who are sick. We bring food to new moms and grieving families. We donate money to help people who are suffering in war-affected and developing nations. Our hearts go out to folks we see on the news when tragedy strikes. We are soft-hearted and kind women; we would go out of our way to help a loved one in need, or to offer an ear to someone who needs a friend.

We strive to be non-judgmental; we work to see others as they are seen by God, and to be patient and accepting of those who are different from us. We seek to forgive others and to understand that they are imperfect and human. We allow that folks are doing the best that they can, and offer support when they fall, because no one has EVERYTHING figured out.

But here’s the twist that never ceases to amaze me. We find it terribly difficult to be compassionate, accepting and non-judgmental WITH OURSELVES. I've seen it everywhere:  the women in my family, the women in my circle of dear friends, the women in my church, the women I see in my role as a counselor, the woman I see in the mirror . . . we SO struggle with this!

We struggle with allowing ourselves to be less than perfect. We can be so hard on ourselves, so ungracious. We say things to ourselves in the mirror that we would never say to another woman in our lives. We don’t allow ourselves to make mistakes – we refuse to let ourselves off the hook without harsh consequences. We berate ourselves, blame ourselves, punish ourselves . . . HOW DARE WE BE HUMAN?!?!

This is not God’s way. God does not desire us to be kind to others and treat ourselves like dirt.  In fact, we are commanded to love our neighbour as we love ourselves – the fact that we take care of and love ourselves is a given. Before we can love anyone else, we have to know how to love and care for ourselves.

What would happen for us if we read the above scripture in a slightly different way? What if WE were included in the list of people who deserve our care and compassion?  What if it sounded something like this?

“Since God chose you to be the holy person he loves, you must clothe yourselves with
tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Make allowance for your own faults, and forgive yourself when you make mistakes and are human. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive yourself.”  (My paraphrase)

What gentleness and compassion this would bring to our internal dialogues! I believe there is something profound about the deep importance of women seeing themselves as God sees them – precious beyond comparison, wholly loved, completely accepted, and tenderly cherished.

Self-compassion is not indulgent. It’s not arrogant. It’s not prideful. It’s the humble acceptance of our imperfections and our humanness. It is the act of compassion for ourselves that is totally rooted in our secure identity as the Beloved of God. It opens us to restoration, healing, change, and growth . . . because these things do not flourish in a state of shame, but in a state of Grace.

My prayer for you is that you catch even the tiniest glimpse of our God’s enormous, gigantic, extravagant love for you – exactly where and whom and how you are right this very second – and that you are able to allow that love and tender compassion inside, into your own dark places where you need it most today.

Arlene M.